The Jargon-Fueled Fever Dream
So I’m reading about this Confluent conference in New Orleans, and I swear my brain started to melt. Imagine a cavernous conference hall, the air thick with the smell of stale coffee and desperation, and a CEO on stage earnestly telling you that "real-time data in context" is the new "kingmaker" (Confluent crowns the new AI kingmaker, real-time data in context). A kingmaker. For AI. Give me a break.
The CEO, Jay Kreps, wants us to "connect AI into the software estates." That’s the corporate-speak translation for "please, for the love of God, buy our product so you can plug ChatGPT into your spreadsheets." He paints this picture of old-school software being perfect, where 1+1 always equals 2. But now, in the magical world of AI, 1+1 equals 2... but maybe 10% of the time it's 1.9 or 2.2. He says this like it's a feature, not a catastrophic bug.
This is a bad idea. No, 'bad' doesn't cover it—this is a five-alarm dumpster fire of an idea for anything that actually matters. Are we really building our future on systems that are proudly, fundamentally, wrong some of the time?
Then comes the analogy. Oh, the analogies. Kreps says relying on old, "batch" data is like trying to cross a busy street using a photo of yesterday's traffic. It's supposed to be this profound point about the need for his "real-time" data streaming. But what he’s actually selling isn't a live video feed of the street. He’s selling a Magic 8-Ball that tells you, "Signs point to yes, you can probably cross." It's still a guess. A probabilistic, non-deterministic, jargon-wrapped guess. How is that any better when a truck is bearing down on you?
It feels like the entire industry is collectively holding its breath, praying that if they just repeat the words "agentic AI" and "context engine" enough times, a real, functioning business model will magically appear. And honestly...
The Great Acquisition Shuffle
While the data priests are anointing new kingmakers in New Orleans, the design world is playing its own version of the same game. Figma just bought a company called Weavy, an "AI-powered image and video generation company" (Figma acquires AI-powered media generation company Weavy). Twenty people and a $4 million seed round, and now they're part of the Figma empire.
On the surface, it makes sense. AI image generation is the hot new toy, and Figma wants to make sure it's bolted into their platform before someone else eats their lunch. Weavy lets you mix and match AI models on an "infinite canvas," which sounds cool, I guess. It’s another tool for designers to create slick, soullessly perfect mockups and brand assets.
But let's be real. This isn't about revolutionizing design. It's an arms race. It’s about a press release. It's about Figma being able to say, "We do AI, too!" while Perplexity is buying design teams and Krea is raising money by the truckload. It’s the corporate equivalent of seeing your neighbor get a new sports car and immediately running out to lease a slightly flashier one. Does anyone actually need it? Who cares! Look at the shiny object!
And what happens to the actual craft? The Weavy tool is described as a "node-based approach" that brings "a new level of craft and control." But is it craft, or is it just prompt engineering? Are we creating a new generation of designers or just expert AI whisperers? I have to wonder if we're just building more efficient ways to produce the same homogenous aesthetic we see everywhere. It reminds me of the time my browser "helpfully" started using AI to summarize articles for me. The summaries were always wrong, always missed the point, and made me want to throw my laptop out the window. Progress, I guess.
This whole cycle—the jargon-heavy conferences, the frantic acquisitions—it all feels so disconnected from reality. It’s a self-perpetuating hype machine where the main product being sold is the idea of AI itself. And offcourse, we're all just supposed to nod along. Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I’m just too old to appreciate the genius of a non-deterministic spreadsheet.
Just Another Tuesday in the AI Circus
Look, I'm not saying any of this is useless. I'm sure some of these tools are neat. But the narrative is out of control. We've got one group of people telling us AI is a slightly-dumber-than-a-calculator god that needs to be fed "real-time context" to function, and another group selling it as a magic wand for creativity. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to figure out if we're supposed to be celebrating our new robot coworkers or updating our resumes. It's a circus, and every company is desperate to prove they have the most dazzling act, even if it's all just smoke and mirrors.