Alright, buckle up, because apparently, we're about to get a double dose of space propaganda. Two rocket launches in one night out of Florida. SpaceX and ULA, tag-teaming the skies to... what, distract us from the impending collapse of everything else?
Starlink: Because Your Cat Videos Need More Bandwidth
First, we got Elon's vanity project, Starlink. Another 29 satellites clogging up low-Earth orbit. Because, let's be real, ain't nobody needs more bandwidth to watch cat videos, but Elon needs to sell more subscriptions. It's always about the subscriptions, isn't it? DOUBLE LAUNCH: SpaceX to launch 29 Starlink satellites
They're launching this thing from Cape Canaveral Space Force Station at 8:31 p.m. ET, with backup opportunities until 10:08 p.m. ET. Meaning, they have to get it off the ground during that window. Talk about pressure.
And the booster, B1094? Only four launches under its belt. "Pretty new," they say. I say, still a gamble. They'll try to land it on the droneship Just Read the Instructions. Which, offcourse, is what they tell the engineers before every launch that goes sideways.
But here's what really grinds my gears: all these satellites, supposedly bringing internet to the "underserved." Give me a break. It's about expanding markets, pure and simple. And turning the night sky into a blinking billboard.
ViaSat-3: More Capacity, More Problems?
Then comes ULA with their Atlas V, hauling a ViaSat-3 communications satellite. Supposedly, this thing will add "more than 1 terabits per second (Tbps) of capacity" to ViaSat’s network over the Americas. Oh, joy.
Scheduled for 10:24 p.m. ET, with a 44-minute window. Five solid rocket boosters, blasting off from Launch Complex 41. Should be quite the show, allegedly visible as far north as Jacksonville and as far south as West Palm Beach. Even Georgia and South Carolina might catch a glimpse.
But here's the kicker: this is the second ViaSat-3 satellite. The first one, launched by SpaceX in 2023, had an "issue with its antenna" that "delayed the start of service and resulted in a reduced capacity." So, they're launching a replacement already? Sounds like somebody screwed the pooch the first time around.
And what's with all this "Ka-band" nonsense? Some kind of high-frequency spectrum that nobody understands but the engineers. All I know is, it's supposed to give us "dynamic beam forming capabilities" that will "efficiently deploy bandwidth to the highest demand places." Translation: they'll throttle your connection when too many people are streaming Netflix.
Double the Rockets, Double the Risk?
Two launches, hours apart. What could possibly go wrong? Weather's supposed to be good, 95% chance of favorable conditions. But weather forecasts are about as reliable as politicians' promises.
And let's not forget the sonic booms. "No sonic booms," they say. Yeah, right. Tell that to the folks living near the Space Coast who'll be jolted awake in the middle of the night. Doubleheader rocket launch in Florida. Liftoff may be seen in Daytona, New Smyrna Beach
They want us to be excited about this "doubleheader." They want us to ooh and aah at the pretty lights. But I see it for what it is: a carefully orchestrated PR stunt to justify billions of dollars in space exploration while the planet burns.
Then again, maybe I'm just being cynical. Nah, who am I kidding?
A Waste of Perfectly Good Rockets
Look, space is cool and all, but let's be real: these launches ain't for the good of humanity. They're for corporate profits and billionaire ego trips. So next time you see a rocket streaking across the sky, don't think about progress. Think about the wasted resources, the environmental impact, and the sheer audacity of it all.